What Losing Two Of My Closest People Taught Me About The Power Of Resilience

A few years ago, I found myself sitting on my balcony just after dawn. The sky was streaked with pink and gold, birds were singing, and the sunlight was gently warming my skin. It should have been a moment of beauty. But all I felt was numb. As if I was watching the world through glass—disconnected, exhausted and hollowed out.

I hadn’t slept well in weeks. I was running on caffeine, trying to push through, but barely making it through the days. In a short span of time, I had experienced the death of two loved ones, the breakdown of a 19-year relationship, and the slow unravelling of my health to the point I could no longer work. My body was in burnout, my mind in a fog, and my spirit felt weary.

What made it even more painful was that I was a mental health and mindfulness educator—someone others turned to for guidance through tough times. But here I was, crumbling. I felt ashamed, like a fraud. And then, through the fog, came a question that changed everything: If everything I’ve learned and taught isn’t enough right now… what more do I need to truly rise through this?

Through my own healing—and in supporting thousands of others—I’ve come to see that unshakable resilience isn’t something we’re born with. It’s a skill. One we can learn. Here’s what I’ve discovered along the way.

1. We don’t bounce back. We rise through.

There’s a common misconception that resilience means “bouncing back” to who you were before hardship hit. But I’ve found that real resilience is not about returning—it’s about becoming. When we’re willing to dig deeper into our inner strengths and face the fire of life with awareness, compassion and courage, we don’t just cope—we rise to challenges.

That’s not to say it’s easy. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. But little by little, I learned to access a deep reservoir of strengths inside me I could rely on. By making those strengths bigger than the fears and self-doubts, we find a solid ground of resilience inside. And that’s where the rising begins.

Try this:
When you feel like you’re falling apart, take three slow breaths. Acknowledge your struggle and gently remind yourself: This moment is hard—and I have strengths within me to meet it. Reflect on the inner strengths you have, like determination, kindness or resilience. Feel into them. Let them guide your next steps.

2. Our strength lies in presence, not pushing through.

In our productivity-driven culture, we’re taught to “push through” pain. Stay busy. Stay positive. But pushing on when our inner world is falling apart isn’t strength—it’s suppression.

What actually builds resilience is presence: the ability to stay with what is real and true in each moment, while staying grounded in our deeper strengths and virtues. Mindfulness gives us a way to meet grief, fear, and confusion with gentleness instead of judgment. It helps us stop fighting reality—and start responding to it with wisdom.

Try this:
When emotions run high, pause and take a few deep breaths which will calm your nervous system and clear your mind. Instead of forcing yourself to push through, then ask yourself: What’s one kind thing I can do to support myself right now? Presence creates space for wise actions.

3. Anchor into what matters most.

In difficult times, it’s easy to get lost in stress and disconnect—not just from others, but from ourselves. That’s where values come in.

Values are the qualities that reflect who we want to be and how we want to act—like compassion, honesty, courage or kindness.

Decades of research shows that our resilience and mental wellbeing depend less on what happens to us and more on how we respond. And the most empowered responses are guided by our values. Living from our values gives us a sense of purpose, direction and steadiness—even in chaos. It’s like a rudder on a boat, helping us navigate stormy seas with clarity.

For me, returning to my values was a turning point. I couldn’t control my grief or my health, but I could still choose to be kind. I could speak truthfully. I could move with integrity. Those small, steady choices became my anchor.

Try this:
Ask yourself: Who do I want to be in the middle of this? Let your values guide your next step. Resilience isn’t just about being tough—it’s about staying true.

Unshakable resilience isn’t about never feeling fear, stress or struggle. It’s about meeting life’s challenges with wisdom, presence and purpose—again and again. It’s not found in pushing through or pretending everything’s okay. It’s found in rising from pain by reconnecting with what is deepest, truest and best in you.

That cold morning on the balcony wasn’t the end of my story. It was the beginning of a deeper strength. And I believe that same strength lives in all of us, waiting to be remembered.

Melli O’Brien is a best-selling author and internationally renowned mental health educator and coach. She has spent nearly two decades helping people develop mental strength and her work has helped over a million people. Her new book, Deep Resilience, shares a simple four-step method to break free from stress and unlock unshakable inner strength. Learn more at melliobrien.com