Divorce is never easy, that is well known. Changing the way you were living your life for years, breaking your home apart, changing your lives forever. This inevitably leaves the mark. Only a slightly good thing is that you will someday be able to create a different life, the one you truly want. Breaking anything will leave a mess, and this applies to the marriage as well. But you can choose how big will that mess be and how deep scars it is going to leave. Though every relationship is different, there are some universal principles on how to keep the divorce as peaceful as possible. Try implementing some of these in your way of acting through this hard period.
Have a reason in your mind
No matter how hard it can get down the road, you should always have a clear reason of divorce in your mind. Whether it was a dysfunction, distance, adultery or you would say that “it simply didn’t work”, have that reason in your mind. Every time it gets painful and emotionally hard, remember the actual cause of the divorce. You both want something better, obviously. Let the image of what a marriage should really look like keep you going through the rough times.
Don’t pass it on children
As much as you are having the worst time of your life now, the same can be said for your children. Having a ton of understanding for them can be challenging, but you both need to provide it now more than ever. It is important to keep your children out of your divorce negativity and drama. Letting them know and feel that it isn’t their fault and that they didn’t have a part in this is extremely important. Also letting them know that your ex-spouse is still their loving parent is crucial. They are left without a home that they grew up in, but they still have both of you. Don’t let your pain and bitterness slip on your children. Talk lovingly about your spouse, encourage them to spend time together as much as possible, encourage to still love him or her, no matter that you are actively trying not to.
Don’t take man’s action as his character
We all do bad things sometimes and want to hurt someone with our actions. However, you had a million other, positive reasons to marry this person at the beginning. Don’t let their actions put the shade on their personalities. It is more than obvious that trying to hurt someone proves hard feelings, and it can get hard to cope with. Find the strength to forgive the bad words and the bad manners.
Take it in a civilised manner
Words can hurt more than anything sometimes, and they are hard to forget. Whatever it is that you would want to shout to your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, try restraining from it. The fact that your marriage didn’t work and that you had all kinds of troubles, doesn’t change the fact that you will stay in some sort of contact for the children’s sake. Don’t get dragged by the wish to insult and hurt. It is normal to have it, but you should be stronger than this. Also, by behaving in such a manner, you will set up an example for the opposite side. Once your spouse sees that this is not a way to go, he or she will also drop it and behave like an adult.
However, if things are not going the way you planned, hiring a good lawyer can really save you some nerve. Depending on your situation and cause of the divorce, choose among some of the best divorce lawyers in Sydney to make through this as peacefully as possible.
Don’t claim friends
During many years you probably got to love your spouses’ friends and built some friendships together as a couple. When people break up or separate, their friends find themselves in an awkward situation of choosing sides. Don’t push them to choose or feel betrayed if you are not the chosen one. Those friendships weren’t true then, neither did your marriage. Let them go and don’t hold a grudge. It is normal that you need support and understanding, but not at all cost. Focus on your recovery and not the other losses.
Don’t end up bitter
Sooner or later, you will move on with your life, meet new people, start dating. Don’t let the sorrow hang around for too long. Getting bitter can turn into a habit, and let’s face it, nobody loves bitter people. You are certainly not the first person to get divorced ever, and you certainly don’t find any comfort in this fact, but over time you should realize when there’s been enough mourning. This doesn’t apply only to new potential partners, but for friends as well. Don’t abuse their love and patience by only talking about the divorce. Life goes on and so should you.
Starting a new life after divorce can be a struggle, but it will all go faster and easier if you try implementing some of this advice in the process. Nobody says it’s easy, but it can be done in a less painful manner, and one day you will be happy it went that way and not the ugly one.
The Carousel would like to thank Ian Pearson for this article.