Let’s look at this example:
A young couple is in the car, on their way to see a movie. The young woman is conscious that they have been seeing each other exactly six months. She’s feeling a little defensive (she had a haircut earlier in the day that she’s not happy with). She makes a comment to the guy about how she feels the six-month mark should be remembered, and celebrated. The guy is genuinely listening, however when she says the words “six months” he remembers that the car was already overdue for a service six months ago. He really needs to get that service done. In fact, now he comes to think of it, isn’t there a strange clicking noise coming from the engine? Meanwhile, the young woman has continued talking and on seeing her guy has tuned out, accuses him of not listening to her. His surprise reaction (he was still thinking about that noise) upsets her and a fight ensues.
Ahhh men! Women. Mars. Venus. It’s all been said before. However, with better equality now between the sexes it is easy to forget we are different creatures. In this chapter, we are going to explore just what the key factors are that drive men toward a serious relationship, and how these factors can help women who are striving for the same goal.
What do guys really want in a partner? Well, I’m pleased to be able to answer that question as for the last nine years, I’ve been privy to what men truly say they want, and it may not be what you think! So girls, trust me. I’m like the big sister you’ve always needed: I’m here to teach you what men want.
Secret 1: Face first
I’m sure this comes as no big surprise: Physical attraction is essential for a guy. For nearly all men, there needs to be a certain primordial level of attraction. The interesting thing about attractiveness however, is that it is not solely based on physical appearance. How a woman feels about herself, her attitude towards men and her general demeanour can all come across as either seriously attractive or the exact opposite.
Let’s first take a look at the purely physical. Large eyes are appealing to men, which interestingly, have been linked with high reproductive potential. Numerous Japanese anime characters, featuring females with oversized eyes, have a worldwide following. Perhaps these bug-eyed beauties trigger a man’s protective nature to safeguard the vulnerable and innocent? Biology seems to play a significant role indeed.
In one recent study by researchers at the University of Austin in Texas, 75% of men who were looking for a long-term relationship indicated that a woman’s face was more important than her body. Another study from the Kinsey Institute has revealed that during sex men are more likely to initially look at their lover’s face. This research seems to indicate that a woman’s face is much more of a key feature than say, big breasts or a small behind.
Bit plain of face? I’ve got great news: Your expression can win you admirers no matter what. Of course it never hurts to get your teeth checked, or trial some new makeup (accentuating the eyes) or hairstyles. However, what really matters is how you express yourself through your face. We’ve all seen supposedly pretty women with scowls that would leave any man dead in their tracks. All the natural beauty in the world can’t
make up for a bad attitude. So the secret then is in how you feel about yourself and your place in the world. Think of all the things you do well, that make you happy and make you feel loved. Snap! That’s the expression you need on a first date.
We all know the expression: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, but it seems we’re not as individual in our perception of beauty as we’d like to think. You see the eye has an actual mathematical equation. It’s called the waist to hip ratio (WHR); found by dividing the size of a woman’s waist by the size of her hips. Jennifer Lopez is 86-58-87 cm and her WHR is 58/87 or 0.67. Women with a low WHR have more of an hourglass figure. It is now common knowledge men find women with an hour-glass figure attractive. This has origins in biology due to the fact that wider hips signify fertility and the ability to give birth.
So, what’s girl to do? No hourglass figure to speak of? First of all, it benefits all women every so often to take a look at what they can do to give their appearance a boost (men too for that matter – but that’s in the next chapter). Take some time to assess your clothing. Men aren’t looking for the girl with the tightest or shortest dress (well perhaps they are, but not with any degree of seriousness). Trial some styles that accentuate the waist. Heels are marvellous too, but they must be comfortable enough for you to both walk and stand in.
At the end of the day, a man needs a partner he’s attracted to. You know the phrase: “He’s scared of commitment?” Well, that’s probably not the case. Men are actually more afraid of being in a relationship that lacks passion and attraction than they are of committing.
Commonly, women tend to decrease their attractiveness by either trying too hard or by raising the seriousness of the relationship too early. Relax. Let things happen naturally. Make sure you interject fun and humour into your relationship from the very start. There’s nothing more appealing to a man than a great woman who knows how to relax and have fun.
It is this ability; to be the best version of yourself — intelligent, fun, confident and sexy, that will win out at the end of the day. Throughout the rest of this chapter, I’ll discuss the essential qualities men are looking for in a woman that I’ve heard time and time again.
Remember – Attraction will get you a date. Personality will get you a relationship.
Tips for her
- Men really do prefer long hair. Maybe they imagine it sweeping around in the throes of passion!
- Girls — go easy on the makeup. Seriously. I have never once heard a guy say: “She didn’t wear enough make up”. Apply a natural look, but apply it well and with care.
- Wear a lovely fitted dress on your date. Show off your WHR. We know that this is how men’s brains work, so use it to your advantage. It’s ok to be feminine. If this isn’t your style, find a middle ground. It’s easy to wear pants or jeans, but try for a skirt or a dress.
- Embrace colour. When it comes to first impressions colour is a great way to show your confident, playful side.
- Smile. The best way to brighten your face isn’t the latest illuminator; it’s actually the radiance that beams from an endearing and genuine smile. Remember, it’s all about your expression.
Secret 2: A strong woman
Many women mistakenly believe men are looking for a weaker woman who will allow them to feel smarter and more powerful. Seriously, a great guy is not intimidated by a woman’s success or independence. So what type of man is? What type of man needs to prop himself up by putting others down? Certainly not a man I see as being a potential suitor. Over the years, I’ve met hundreds (if not thousands) of women who’ve had the unfortunate experience of meeting men like this; men who were intimidated by their success.
Nothing could be further from the truth for my clients. I am here to proudly state that my male clients, my successful and confident male clients, not only enjoy the company of an intelligent and self-assured woman, they actually request it as one of their top criteria.
So, why does a successful woman intimidate some men? Well, I have a fairly strong view on this. A man who is insecure, who has not achieved his own success and is still struggling to find his place in the world will feel threatened by a driven and accomplished woman. He will feel as if he has nothing of value to offer her, so instead of being supportive, he will try to intimidate her and even attempt to make her question her own success. Steer clear of these types! If you get the slightest signal of such contempt, get out straight away. Seriously.
The right guy, who is a success in his own right, will value finding an equal. He will relish dating a confident woman; a woman comfortable in her own skin, who is independent and knows what she wants. A real man wants a woman who inspires him by having great things going on in her own life. He wants a woman with her own purpose.
What man wouldn’t want to meet a confident woman, who has clear direction? This is what good men find attractive. Take it from me. I constantly meet single professional men who really want to meet an intelligent woman. For men, a woman’s drive, determination and energy are genuinely engaging qualities.
Men also love knowing that a woman has her own life. Really they do. They love knowing that she has her own friends, interests, responsibilities and commitments. Men want to know that you have time for a relationship and that you have time for them, but not too much time. Men enjoy knowing that you have your independence. Irrational as it may be, but men are sometimes afraid that you’re going to turn into some obsessed bunny boiler whose main focus in life is planning your wedding after date number three. They want to know that you’re already on your path to being a complete and secure woman.
So, the solution: Be strong. Create your own happiness and don’t rely on him. Be independent. Continue to be socially active with your friends and pursue your own interests. Just as importantly let him have his own space. Allow him to go golfing on Sunday, have a poker night with the boys or go for a few drinks after work (as long as they don’t turn into all-night benders and happen every Friday). It’s healthy to have time apart and pursue different interests. If you don’t give him his space, he might just break up with you to get it. Ask any happily married couple. They will tell you that space is vital.
However, before we move on, it’s important to point out that you don’t need to be a strong woman all the time. As one male friend said to me, he tells his partner: “You don’t have to wear your superwoman cape all the time.” Let your guard down from time to time and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
Tips for her
- Keep busy. Don’t stop your life for your new man. Make sure you maintain your social life by catching up with friends and pursuing your interests. The minute you lose yourself is when the relationship is in danger.
- Encourage him to catch up with the boys every now and again. It’s healthy to have time apart. If anything, it makes it more exciting when you come together again.
- Throw your superwoman cape in the wash every now and then. Men love being useful to you.
Secret 3: Sensuality & femininity
I can recall meeting one prospective female client who came to the agency many years ago. Even after all these years, I still remember her like it was yesterday. She was early 30’s, slim, attractive, a finance professional and very successful. We sat down and I started the interview process. As she told me about herself and her criteria, I noticed that she spoke with strong conviction, very much like a man. She didn’t so much as request what she was looking for, but demanded it. She was direct, extreme and intense. She was what we might describe in layman’s terms as a “ball breaker.” This girl was tough
As the interview continued, I noticed that I started feeling anxious and uncomfortable. Her intense masculine energy was stressful to deal with — and if that was something I was picking up on, what would it be like for my male clients? She’d lost all softness, all her feminine energy and charm. Of course, she’d just come from work, where she was used to operating in a male-dominated environment. Nonetheless, somewhere along the way she had lost touch with her feminine self. From boardroom to bedroom — was her lack of dating success due to the fact that she couldn’t leave her work persona at the office? Had the men she’d met felt like they were in a business meeting rather than on a date?
Now let me ask you, as a woman, don’t you love the fact that you have the power to beguile? We know that using our sexuality is a powerful tool for attracting men. Tasha Tudor, an American illustrator of children’s books, explains it perfectly: “Why do women want to dress like men when they’re fortunate enough to be women? Why lose femininity, which is one of our greatest charms? We get more accomplished by being charming than we would be flaunting around in pants.”
For centuries we have been told that our ability to seduce men has been the downfall of mankind. Throughout history, men have felt threatened by the power of female sexual energy. I say, women around the world, embrace your femininity. This is our unique trump card, so why would you give that up? Men adore self-assured women who don’t shy away from their sensual and sexual energy. Now don’t mistake such an outlook as being submissive. Far from it. It’s about tapping into what makes you you — a confident, sensual woman, and then bringing that to the table.
Mature masculine men want feminine women. It’s as basic as that. They are drawn to your confidence and sex appeal, as you walk into the room. So —take the extra ten minutes to pull the LBD (little black dress) from the back of your cupboard. You shouldn’t feel pressured to strut around the bedroom in lingerie and high heels every night, but you should feel comfortable with your own sensuality, and expressing that to your man.
As for my female client, did she find love? I’m pleased to say, that after a bit of work, she did. None of her friends had ever told her the truth about where she was going wrong with men. I gave her the feedback she needed, told her how to make a slight shift in her energy and voila! She found a wonderful man and they’ve been happy ever since.
Tips for her
- Tap into your sexual goddess. Find out what helps you bring out your inner divinity, and go for it. Be it sensual music, a great work out or a good massage; whatever. Do some exploring and experimenting.
- The power of a LBD. Every girl has at least one dress that makes her feel like a million bucks. Get it out! Put it on. And if you don’t have one – go shopping! Now!
- Maybe it’s lingerie. Buy some sexy lingerie and get excited about wearing it for your partner. He’ll love it!
- Or maybe it’s shoes. Or perfume. Whatever makes you feel sexy and desirable, wear it.
- Remember, a date is a romantic opportunity, not a business meeting. Be charming, alluring, curious and playful – NOT hard, demanding and intense.
Secret 4: An equal
“I want someone who is intelligent, emotionally stable and down to earth”, is often something I hear from my male members. A woman’s intelligence is more attractive to men than ever before. Men are looking for women who are both educated and intellectual — or in other words, accomplished and interesting. Smart, savvy women are capable of longevity in terms of intrigue. When men are considering a serious partner, they look for a woman who can stand as his equal.
The next preferred quality is emotional stability and maturity. Women are emotional beings, let’s face it —it’s how we’re built. We watch The Notebook and tears effortlessly stream down our cheeks, and at a certain time of the month we make The Hulk seem like a wallflower and we have an absolutely intense and irrational fear of anything that crawls. However, it’s one thing to be an emotional human being, but it’s another thing entirely to be overemotional. Too much emotion, too early, can set off warning bells to a guy. It can seem needy and immature. Showcase that you’ve outgrown overemotional tendencies from the get-go.
Hang on, I hear you say, isn’t dating about getting to know each other and showing your true colours? I mean, he needs to see who you really are, warts and all, right? WRONG! OK yes, dating is about getting to know each other, but don’t show him all your crazy at once. Any extreme emotional behaviour is going to be an instant turn off. Remember, guys are simple creatures. When a girl goes psycho (for lack of a better word), it leaves the guy feeling awkward and unsure. They may have had a crazy ex, or have been hurt before, or just feel completely out of their depth when confronted with such behaviour. So stop the sobbing and learn to control negative emotions.
When dating in those vital first few months, you need to provide a controlled release of information that paints you in a favourable light. You must lay a solid foundation of who you are. Seeing how a woman handles her emotions is of utmost importance when a man is deciding whether to get serious. If she gets hyper-emotional, with logic constantly flying out the window, then big red flags start going up. However, if she remains calm and composed, explaining her feelings clearly and simply, she’ll portray true qualities of a potential life-partner; demonstrating emotional maturity when dealing with stressful situations, rather than playing the damsel in distress. Men want to understand what you’re saying and help you feel better with general problem-solving. If a man can help solve problems with you, he feels valued and worthy. If all he hears is sobbing and screaming, he will retreat and feel like a failure.
To sum up, emotional stability and maturity are important in a potential spouse for both sexes. A man’s search for a partner may start with physical attraction, but when it comes to finding a potential wife, they want someone stable and grounded. Just like you do.
This is an extract from Trudy Gilbert’s book ’49 Secrets of an Elite Matchmaker.’
To read the remaining 4 tips for women and discover more elite secrets go to www.eliteintroductions.com.au and buy your copy now!