It Wasn’t Until I Was in My 40s That My Sexual Desires Became Non-Negotiable

I was 18 when I entered into my first proper relationship, and I couldn’t wait to have sex. It was everything I thought it would be … and more. Looking back, I can’t help but think how lucky I was to have someone who was into kink introduce me to the world of desire.

He was slightly older than me at 22, and it was through him that I was introduced to not just kinkster toys – a paddle, handcuffs, rope – but also to the ideology of kinky play.

I know a lot of people think about kink and immediately go to whips, chains and spandex etc. But what I love about kink is the practice. In order to ‘play’, stuff needs to be negotiated, consent given, and boundaries placed. I felt very safe in that relationship. I was able to explore my desires and sex was talked about openly and honestly. I never, ever had a boundary crossed, and I never felt disrespected — not until much later, with my normal, ‘vanilla’ boyfriends.

This very early introduction to kink would later be integral to me staging my own storytelling event embracing sexual diversity – Kink in the Tale: Storytelling for Grownups – which will be at this year’s Sydney Fringe Festival. I had long wanted to bring together a group of brilliant minds including authors Dylin Hardcastle, Luke Carman, actor Duncan Fellows and frontman Dan McIvor where we could all share our funny and touching stories about sex and the interesting things that turn us on.

Having frank discussions on a public scale about sex has actually been a part of my life since my 20s. Back then I was a music student training to become a jazz singer. By chance I met someone working at a lads’ magazine called Ralph and wound up becoming their sex feature writer.

I wrote about the ‘Things she hates about you in the bedroom’ and ‘50 ways to turn her on’ and readers loved it. I’d invite friends around for dinner and quiz them about sex for material. It was so much fun, and I loved the open conversations. I found that as soon as people started talking about sex in a non-judgemental environment, all the embarrassment disappeared.

I continued to explore kink. I had a regular gig singing at the now defunct BDSM Hellfire Club in Sydney and was up for anything. One time I was paid (in the form of a handmade corset) to be the “dessert” for a dinner party. I lay naked on a table where I was decorated in cream, berries and profiteroles which the guests ate off me. It was so fun!

I don’t know why, but the men I ended up having long term relationships with were never really into kink play. I’d ask about getting it on in a certain way and each time, when my partner rebuffed me, or said they weren’t into it, I just kind of put the idea away.

When I became a mum in my mid 30s, I shoved my sexual desires even further away; we didn’t have time, we were too tired, we were juggling enough balls.

But when I hit my 40s, something shifted. I became a single mum at 41. After a year alone, I began to think about creating a storytelling show about sex. The more I thought about it the more I knew I needed to be honest with myself about my own sexual needs.

When I was ready to date, I was determined to be “the real me” when it came to sex. I’d shut myself down and denied a vital part of me that was interested in kink for the sake of someone else. The person I’d always been came back again, and I embraced her with open arms. In my 40s my sexual desires had now become non-negotiable.

Now when I date people, I’m upfront about the fact that I’m polyamorous, and that kink experiences are an essential part of my life.

I found a rigger – someone who ties up the other in Shibari rope play which I’d always been interested in exploring – who tied me up beautifully. The experience was mind blowing. As a mum with driven career ambitions, I just loved handing all control over to someone. I was able to relax my muscles and let go of tension which was such a release.

The experience encouraged me all the more to get Kink in the Tale up and running. The show has been a sell-out on the NSW Central Coast and it’s been so rewarding to bring this ‘taboo topic’ out into the open.

I’d spent so long trying to shapeshift into someone else in my personal and professional life it’s a relief to finally just be me. There’s nothing wrong with being into ‘kinks’ and there’s certainly nothing wrong with celebrating who you really are sexually.

Kink In The Tale: Storytelling for Grownups, 9pm (60min run time), 19 & 21 September 2024.Cost:$30 | $22 (conc/deadly tix) | $25 (Group 6+). Where: Sydney Fringe Festival,
Cabaret Hub, Kings Cross Hotel: Bordello Room 244-248 William St, Potts Point NSW.

Visit: https://sydneyfringe.com/events/kink-in-the-tale