The joys of parenting are many but, for my money, one of the best has to be embarrassing your children. After everything we’ve done for them, we’re entitled to a little fun. But remember – timing is everything!

Under 12’s are so uncritical they think you look good in swimmers. Over 20’s only stop in to leave their laundry and borrow money. If you want to embarrass your kids, strike when they’re teenagers.

Five Ways To Embarrass Your Children

1. Become pregnant

“Radical, I admit, but a real winner because teenagers want and need to believe nobody over 30 ‘does it’. They’ll bluster and mutter and point out ‘you’re old!’ They’ll warn you that they’re not going to change nappies, babysit or share their room. For extra fun, ask them if they want to witness the birth.”

2. Dance at their party

“Less demanding than having a baby but packs an embarrassing punch. There are few things more alarming than your parents leaping around the family room to ‘Surfin’ USA’ in full view of your mates.”

3. Do silly things in public

“Cheer loudly at football matches, sing loudly in church, ask complex directions from people who don’t speak English. It drives kids, especially the ‘cool’ ones mad. The MOTH (Man of the House) used to wear my clip-on earrings while driving home in the car and then into 7/11 for milk. His sons won’t talk about it even now.”

4. Argue the point

“Embarrassing parents demand to see the manager, make the waiter repeat the specials, query the bill, question the teacher, argue with the referee and disagree with the adjudicator. Embarrassing parents never go quietly.”

5. Cry

“It doesn’t take much to set we softies off. A Christmas carol, a farewell hymn, a valedictory address, the school song, a girl with a candle, a boy with a violin, the national anthem. We cry at airports. We cry in carports. We cry at the ‘comings and goings’ of family life, especially the ‘goings’. There we are, third row from the front, mascara tracking down our cheeks, noses running, tissues aloft. ‘Why are you crying? This is SO embarrassing,’ they blush and groan. My work here is done. Pass the tissues please. I need to blow my nose – really loudly!

About Pat

Pat McDermott is the author of Family Matters, published by Allen & Unwin, RRP $29.99, on sale now. Pat has been a much loved contributor of Australian Women’s Weekly for more than 30 years, where her hilarious ‘Family Matters’ sagas unfold on the prestigious back page.