“The emotions that coincide with being a parent can vary from loving them and sometimes disliking them at the same time, and this is ok,” explains Dr Cohen.
“However, it is important in the moments of dislike that you accept responsibility for why your child behaves the way he or she does. After all, your child’s development is a two way street with you, the parent leading the way.”
Here are her top tips for better managing your feelings:
1. Loving communication
No matter how hard you attempt to hide your dislike, your cheeky teen is smarter than you think (you made them after all). They can sense the lack of love more than you know. The aim here is to firstly, recognise you have these strong feelings towards your child but secondly, and most importantly, find ways to communicate these feelings in a healthy and loving way. No one likes to feel unloved, especially by your own parent.
2. Setting boundaries is key
Demanding behaviour, lack of ‘yes please’ and ‘no thank you’ may have been excused when your child was young and didn’t know better. However, if the law-of-good manners aren’t enforced from a young age, these ‘cute tantrums’ become routine from your demanding teenager to get their own way. It is important as a parent to set boundaries and expectations from a young age to ensure that you child grows to respect you. This may seem difficult at the time but will help your sanity at the other end when you have a teenager who understands and appreciates your decisions.
3. Take a step back
We often regret the way we handle ourselves if we respond in the heat of the moment. If you take the time to think about how you are going to respond to your child’s behaviour and explain to them why you are upset or disappointed in a calm way, they tend to be more understanding. But
if you allow your emotions to control your reaction, they will tend to ignore your management attempts, which can cause you to become frustrated or resentful.
4. Find common ground
Just because you have the same genetics, doesn’t mean that you are the same person – we all vary from one another, but it’s not always about a personality clash. Reasons for dislike can stem from different lifestyles, aspirations, behavioural patterns, and the list goes on.
The basic foundation of any good relationship is having common ground, and the same goes for a parent and a child. Try and find things that interest you both so you can enjoy them together. This can help to stimulate conversations that aren’t all about discipline, daily routine and negativity.
5. Lead by example
Remember the old saying, ‘monkey see, monkey do?’ Your child is a product of you so it is vital to lead by example. This can go for both conversations you have with them and ones you have around them. In the early stages of your child’s life, you are their role model and the way you conduct yourself is how they will as well.
6. Compromise is key
Once habits are made they can be difficult to break, especially as your teen get older. Sometimes compromises, such as family contracts are a way of regulating certain behaviours rather than stopping it altogether, which is unlikely to happen after a certain point. This process allows your teen to feel involved and considered whilst establishing boundaries you can BOTH work with.
There is no easy road when you are parenting a teen but parents who are parents – rather than trying to be a best friend – set boundaries that teach their teens that there are logical consequences for all behaviours, and enable them with self-discipline, self-worth and self-esteem. More importantly, by being parents we show our teens they are loved, and you care about the person they are becoming.
About the author:
Dr Anna Cohen, founder of Kids and Co, has been at the helm of child psychology for over 20 years. Having worked in both the public health system and the private sector, she specialises in the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of children and young people with psychiatric, emotional and behavioural difficulties.
