Charisma isn’t something you’re born with – it’s a set of habits anyone can learn, and some of the best advice is almost a century old.
Here’s proof that charisma can be switched on and off. In 1955, Marilyn Monroe took a ride on the New York subway with a photographer in tow. Dressed simply and acting quietly, she went completely unnoticed by the commuters around her. When she came back up to the street, she asked, “Do you want to see me be her?” Then she changed her posture, fluffed her hair and struck a pose. Within moments she was surrounded by a crowd.
Monroe’s lesson is that charisma isn’t just looks or luck. It’s behaviour, and behaviour can be learned.
People who light up a room aren’t self-centred or superior. They make the people around them feel heard, important and valued. We warm to people who like us, and we respect people who respect themselves.
These five tips draw on Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. It was first published in 1936 and is still a bestseller today.
1. Be interested, not just interesting
There’s an old saying that only people who feel inferior feel the need to act superior. When someone is truly curious about what you’re saying and adds warmly to the conversation, you’re drawn to them straight away. If you want people to enjoy meeting you, you have to enjoy meeting them. As the psychologist Alfred Adler put it, “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life.”
2. Never underestimate a smile
Action and feeling go hand in hand. Smiling can lift your own mood and change how others see you. Most of us want to be around positive, happy people. A smile costs nothing, and it’s the easiest way to seem approachable.
3. Remember people’s names
Names can be hard to hold on to. But using someone’s name makes them feel seen and valued, and they’ll value you more in return. Carnegie called a person’s name “the sweetest and most important sound” to them. A useful trick is to repeat the name once in conversation soon after you’re introduced.
4. Let your body do the talking
Your body sends signals to the people around you before you say a word. Walk into a room with open, upright posture. Keep steady eye contact and give people your full attention, not half of it while you glance at your phone. You’ll come across as more confident and more magnetic.
5. Build your confidence
What makes you feel good is different for everyone. It might be wearing clothes you love, eating well, exercising, meditating or making time to be creative. Do more of what lifts you and less of what drags you down. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it is to make others feel good too. Everyone has insecurities, but charismatic people don’t let those insecurities run the show.
Read more: Happiness: How One Smile Stimulates the Brain Like 2000 Bars of Chocolate
