The grief experienced by any parenting who has lost a child is unfathomable. Often, losing a baby is a shock, and as well as being hard to comprehend for the grieving parent, it’s difficult for other people around the parent to know what to say or do.
Melanie Moore experienced this herself, when she tragically lost her first child, Bradie. That’s how she became involved with Bears of Hope, www.bearsofhope.org.au a pregnancy and infant loss support service, and the Administration Officer for NALAG National Association for Loss and Grief www.nalag.org.au, a free support service for people who have suffered any loss.
“My husband and I lost our first child, Bradie. That’s how I became involved with Bears of Hope – a group of people who are themselves bereaved parents, offering support to other bereaved parents. We were full term and labour had started. I was expecting to have a healthy baby, but at the progress visit, the obstetrician declared that Bradie had no heartbeat. We had to go to the hospital to deliver. One day I was pregnant and thought I would be bringing home a baby, the next day I delivered and came home without a baby. All the plans I had become very difficult. I thought I was taking 12 months maternity leave, but my life had to suddenly return to as normal as possible. It was an extremely difficult experience.
And then one day I received a ‘bear’ in the mail. My cousin had read an article in the newspaper about Bears of Hope, and asked them to send me a bear. Suddenly I realised I wasn’t the only person who had gone through this. That support and understanding that you are not alone was so incredibly comforting.
That’s when I felt I too wanted to be able to help other people. Bears of Hope run small groups in different areas which act as support services. There is no judgment or difference between the stage of your loss. That’s why I feel passionate about Bears of Hope – they support anyone.
We offer three support packs, for miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss, with information parents need to get through that time, including tough decisions, like whether you want the burying or cremation of your baby.
The grief is the same with any child, but there are so many different experiences and ways people deal with loss. For me, this was our first child together (but my husband had 2 from a previous relationship). We were eagerly awaiting this new addition and all the life changes that come with a baby. When I lost him I blamed myself and felt like there must be something wrong with me. This didn’t stop until I went on to have healthy children. But even when I had two other children, it was always in my mind that I should have had another one.
Parents with other children at home say they experience it differently, because they have children at home to care for and they know they can have healthy children. But whatever the circumstances, people put all their hopes into a child – whether they lose a baby at six weeks or full term. Grief can be horrendous at any stage. The loss of a baby is a loss of future plans and events for that baby, ‘what might have been’.
Pregnancy loss is a very hard topic for people to approach. When you hear someone is pregnant and then suddenly they have lost the baby, you don’t know what to say. People still find it difficult to discuss Bradie with me.
My advice is to acknowledge the loss. It was helpful when it was recognised that Bradie existed and I was his mum. People avoid bringing it up for fear of upsetting or reminding you. But when people mentioned Bradie’s name in conversation and would talk about him, and my loss, that acknowledgment and allowance for me to open up was so helpful.
One of my friends buys me a gift every year on Bradie’s birthday. We have a memorial, and every year we commemorate Bradie by releasing balloons on his birthday. We also have a garden dedicated to him with a statue, and buy flowers etc to plant in honour of him.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is the memorial – the ceremony of remembering the baby. And people can do that however they wish to, whether it’s naming a star after their child, getting a tattoo… People handle grief differently and depending on their spiritual beliefs.
We offer a stone to parents, which they can etch with the baby’s name and place in our memorial garden. Some people don’t have a site for baby, so placing a stone in our garden gives them a place to come back to each year.”
ABOUT BEARS OF HOPE
Bears of Hope is a non-profit organisation that provides support for families who experience the loss of a baby. To make a donation, buy a support bag in honour of your baby or a friend’s loss, or for fundraising ideas visit Bears of Hope and show your support by liking their Facebook page
