“Experiencing guilt as a mother these days is not only commonplace but everywhere and constant. If we don’t do it the hard way, anything that makes our life easier or gives us a break makes us feel guilty. From not breastfeeding to buying ready-made baby food, leaving our kids at childcare or ‘baby sitting’ them in front of a screen to have a minute to ourselves, having a ‘kids free’ weekend or, god forbid, an actual holiday without our babies, we feel guilt. Terrible guilt.
Until now, I always thought that this guilty feeling was something that came with being a mother. I just thought you couldn’t be one, albeit a good one, without it – that it was a natural feeling like worrying for your children from the minute they were born ‘till the very end. But what’s interesting is the realisation that it’s not a natural way to feel after all.
This realisation came from speaking to both my mother and mother-in-law, two individuals that couldn’t be any more different in character, background, culture – one is French, the other Australian. One was a working mother and the other one wasn’t. Neither of them felt any guilt while raising my husband and I and our respective siblings – even on specific points raised by me, which in my opinion were parenting mistakes. They feel like they did their best and have no regrets. I just can’t find the tiniest guilty bone in their bodies!
So it sounds that this guilt we are all experiencing as young parents is a newish thing that previous generations didn’t have, but why? Is it the fact that we have so much more information and studies, and all this knowledge has become a burden rather than a tool? Don’t we say that ignorance is bliss? For example, how can a mother who can’t breastfeed not feel guilty about not breastfeeding these days when she is aware of the research supporting it and feels pressurised by everyone? Long gone are the carefree days of feeding your kids non-organic and industrialized food without thinking twice.
It’s even difficult to buy and throw away a non-biodegradable nappy without the guilt, or plastic toys that will eventually end up as landfill. And these days, who gives a child a slap in the heat of the action without feeling like a monster?
The ‘information’ comes thick and fast making new studies become obsolete before we can blink, increasing our anxiety even more. One minute you think you are doing everything by the book and suddenly the newest study comes along flushing the old one you have been meticulously following down the drain and making the ‘guilt meter’ fly off the charts! How horrible is feels to realise that you were doing the wrong things by your children, thinking you were doing the right thing?
This actually happened to me. I was following that well known, acclaimed book about controlled crying until suddenly a new study appeared claiming it was very damaging for the baby’s brain development. Even though it wasn’t my fault and I did it with the best of intentions, for months I felt terribly upset and guilty about the possibility of having damaged my baby’s brain, and it still plays on my mind.
What still puzzles me about all of this is the fact that our mums, even though they now also have all this new information, still don’t feel guilty about a thing. So why don’t they? Is it because our parents think we all turned out ok in the end? And we did, mostly. I think I will try to take a leaf out of their book and try to kick the guilt away. It won’t be easy though.”
Elodie is a mother, stylist and co-owner of The Candy Shop, a Sydney-based online candy store with a unique selection of hard-to-find sweet favourites and international treats from France, England and America..
