Whoopi Goldberg is a great grandmother, a Grammy, Oscar, Emmy and Tony award winner and has been married three times before.
“There are a lot of books out there telling women how to snare a man, with all the tricks you can use to get a man and keep him,” says Whoopi in her new book If Someone Says, “You Complete Me,” RUN!’
“But where is the book telling women to be happy in themselves, and to figure out what they want, and to become the people they want to be so that any relationship that comes out from that is based on a real connection, a real friendship, between two whole people?”
Single Whoopi blames pop-culture for ‘brainwashing’ people with false expectations.
“For most of us, when we were little, we had this sweet idea- whether you’re a guy or a girl- that we would have this fairy-tale relationship, and the little birds would fly up to us and eat from our hands, and we would walk off into the sunset, and it would be brilliant and fantastic, and we would be perfect for each other.”
But as her own marriage collapses have shown, life isn’t always the fairytale you imagine. Here are some of the pearls of wisdom we loved from Whoopi’s book:
1. Leave it to beavers…
“As we look at the lists of animals that choose to mate for life, humans are nowhere to be found… Maybe if we knew that when we got together with someone or got married, that it didn’t have to be for life, perhaps we would be better at it.”
2. We are getting older…
“Up until the last century, who lived past forty? They didn’t have time for more than one or two spouses. They had no choice but to stay together, because they were dead before they knew it.”
3. Players gonna play
“If your man was f***ing around when you met him, he will be f***ing around after you marry him.”
4. Our lives are much harder and more complicated than a three-minute love song…
“All the romantic songs of the fifties and sixties created a bunch of hopeless romantics- no wonder the seventies turned into the decade of divorce… I love these songs… They just send the wrong message. ”
5. A connection is built not through emojis but through intimacy…
“Once you get past all of the electronics you still have to do the flesh on flesh. You still have to meet. You still have to connect somehow in a way that is real and meaningful if you are going to make a real friend.”
6. When you see a red flag, pay attention to it…
“Some people just love ignoring the big red flags. It’s called denial.”
7. If you can help it, don’t lie…
“Some people believe it’s okay to tell little lies here and there in a relationship. I’m not a believer in that philosophy… I would stay in the truth pool. Getting in the bullshittian pool is no good… In the truth pool, the sun is brighter, your life is better, and everything is easier and simpler”
8. Sex changes everything…
“Sex makes people nuts. Sex makes people possessive. Sex makes people boastful. Sex makes people lie. Sex makes people turn into assholes and bitches… Sexual desire becomes like a jail.”
9. Hit- and-runs are great…
“I myself am a hit-and-run artist… I don’t want a relationship, yet occasionally I want a little sex. Women don’t do this nearly enough… It is a huge double standard.”
10. If you’re a woman changes happen…
“ You get to be a certain age, shit dries up. It just does. Changes happen, shit falls, shit spreads. Age can be a big thing for women. It drives fear, and that is utter bullshit. Women are afraid that once they get older, men will no longer find them attractive. That there’s some sort of expiration date on them. The truth of the matter is you never know who is going to find you attractive. “
11. Get the f***ing prenup…
“ Just because you find the person you want to walk through life with, doesn’t mean it will continue until the end of time. So in the event that there’s a seismic change, get the prenup. Then you can walk away with what you walked in with, and maybe a little more”
12. Marriage is a contract…
“First and foremost marriage is a contract, a legal and financial agreement… Too often the mythology we were raised on really affects how we go into this serious contract, giving us nothing but a bunch of romantic notions of how wonderful life is going to be. Believe me, Prince Charming will turn into Darth Vader once you get him into divorce court.”
13. I complete me…
“Only by being fulfilled as a person are you going to avoid expecting someone else to provide all that for you… A romantic relationship is the whipped cream on top of the Sundae and not the whole Sundae.”
If someone says “you complete me”, RUN!: Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships. Published by Hachette Australia, Trade paperback $RRP29.99, ebook $16.99
