Bouncing Back From A Break-Up: How to Get Over Your Ex

How to put the spark back in a relationship
Dr Karen Phillip

Psychologist and Health contributor

Oct 15, 2022

Bouncing Back From A Break-Up: How to Get Over Your Ex | The Carousel

We want to get over them as soon as we can. We want to move on faster than them. The last thing we want is to see them happy again when we remain miserable or alone.

If the relationship ended badly, they cheated or destroyed the happiness you shared, forgiving them is really hard, yet this is what many say we need to do.

Free yourself with forgiveness of them. I say, be angry with them, hate them for a while if you want, these feelings are part of the process to mourn your loss and you will eventually come through the other side.

Talking to friends about the break-up can often help, but after a few months of continued discussion, they may start to gravitate away from you not wanting to hear the story again and again.

This is where going to a counsellor is essential. They will allow you to discuss your emotions safely, listen with empathy and work with you to develop strategies for recovery. Hypnotherapy can also assist you to alleviate some of the hurt you feel.

Feeling hurt and heartbroken for a while because of a break-up is normal. The main thing you need however is to process this pain and move on to a better choice of partner in the future if that is what you want.

When discussing your break-up with your counsellor or friends, discuss the relationship as it was towards the end, not the memory of happiness in the beginning. We sometimes remain in love with the memory of what was instead of facing the reality of what it became.

Research has determined that it’s a good idea to talk about your ex. Speaking about your emotions enables you to progress faster than those who don’t.

It’s important to note that this talking should be focused on perspectives and solutions.

Here are some things to keep in mind during this process:

  • Accept the person you fell in love with was perhaps different than what you thought. Research tells us it takes between two to three years to fully know the person we are with. It takes this long for all facades to come down and the true person and responses are exposed. When we become engaged, married, or have a child, this is often when a person’s behaviour can change and sometimes not for the better.
  • Forget the blame game. Two people are in a relationship and both play a part in the relationship lasting or disintegrating. Often it is because the two people were not the best fit together. Maybe both have great qualities but together after a few years the fit is not longer comfortable and cracks appear. This just means each person may have evolved differently.
  • Learn from this past relationship. Discover what went wrong, what may have been dealt with differently and the type of thoughts and responses that may have helped instead of hindered. We can all learn something from a failed relationship, trick is, if we take these learnings to improve our next relationship.
  • Accept no one is perfect. While we believe our partner is perfect for us there is no perfect person on this planet. We all have a past, we have been raised differently, come from a different background or family culture which makes us the person we are today. It provides us with the responses we give, have the thoughts we have, guides us along our way.

It can be challenging to find that right partner fit and sometimes we may spend time with different partners’ before finding that perfect fit for us. What is essential to remember is that each of you will have idiosyncrasies, past hurts, and previous experiences.

A broken heart from a break-up heals. How fast it heals depends on accepting what has happened, managing the emotions attached and receiving the right support to recover.


By Dr Karen Phillip

Psychologist and Health contributor

Dr Karen Phillip is a counselling psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist specialising in parenting and relationships. The widely respected author of “Who Runs Your House, the kids or you?’ and ‘OMG We’re Getting Married’ is also in demand as a speaker and regularly appears on TV and radio.



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